Once upon a blog post I posed the question: If you promote diet books, would you lose weight? After all these months and posts, I’m here to tell you, the answer is a big, fat “no!”

You can scroll around and see the fantastic diet-expert people I’ve gotten to represent over the years. This past Friday, I got to finally meet in person the dynamic-diet-duo, Dr. Randolph and Genie James, authors of From Belly Fat to Belly Flat and From Hormone Hell to Hormone Well. My first reaction to gorgeous, svelte Genie, “well, you certainly have a flat belly – you’re skinny!” (a good feature for a slimness-pushing author) Whether or not I’m able or have the willpower to follow their plan is another story but let me tell you that just eating with them was a lesson in diet-tude.

At the end of our meal, most of the food on their plates was still there. Mine was nowhere to be found. My plate clean as a whistle.

My favorite adage would save most dieters a lot of book reading and strife. It goes like this: if you want to lose weight eat like a skinny person. Watch and learn.

I joke about food but I mean no disrespect to the authors. I have diet book knowledge in my brain that could slim down an entire community.  The disconnect, however, is between that brain (mine) and my taste buds. In the contest for attention, the taste buds win every time. Unless, of course, I’m ill. Even then, I usually find a way to eat. I eat when I’m depressed, or happy, or overworked, or….just fill in the blank.

As I finish my piece of the most heavenly key lime pie from  the Upper Crust in Lake Worth, I have a confession. I have actually stooped to enrolling myself into a study conducted by the University of Miami’s School of Integrative Medicine to deal with my desire to lose weight. No, I am not what most people would consider to be overweight, but I needed to get my eating habits under control.

And, as the “Belly Fat” authors will tell you, fat provoking imbalances begin to create havoc in our mid-sections as early as in our 30′s. You can imagine what happens two decades later.

It’s horrible.

So, I trotted down to Miami last Thursday, got lost for 45 minutes looking for the correct location which I had no address for . Another casualty of this decade is misplacing your common sense. Why not drive to an entirely foreign (that’s a double entendre) area without any contact information.

Sweet.

By the grace of God I met up with a person involved in the study and I was walked over to an office to have blood drawn, get weighed, measured, calipered, and pinched. On the way, the petite college student assigned to my case asked me which group I was in. Was it the diabetes group? The heart disease? No, I replied. It was the overweight one.

“Whaaaaaat?” she exclaimed. “You’re the second skinny-minny this week. You’ve got to be kidding, right?”

No, I’m serious. I assured her that part of my m.o. was knowing how to dress to make you look thinner than you really are. That would be the theme of my book.

Whether or not you think I’m committing a crime of diet deception, hear me out. The study which focuses on food allergens will tell me which foods I must avoid. In exchange, I’m asked to record three days of meals to start and when the results come in from examining my blood, I will omit the culprit food from my diet for a minimum of 2 months. And, check in with the research people a few more times. I’m not sure, but I wouldn’t be surprised if they made me record meals for the entire study.

It’s the least I can do.

Why am I doing this, you ask? BECAUSE THE ONLY WAY I WILL BE ABLE TO CONTROL MY INTAKE OF FOOD IS TO HAVE TO REPORT TO SOMEONE.

My name is Kim and I’m a foodaholic…

Wow, that sounds really bad. I think I’m going to check out one of our many food disorder books.

Will I lose weight? Do I need to? Will I get off my duff and move it around aerobically or anaerobically once in a while?

I’ll let you know as the days go by how I’m doing.

I want  a belly (or the lack thereof) like Genie James.

As I give a shout out to Dr. John E. Lewis, the doctor in charge of the study who I have yet to meet, I also want you to know that eating right or dieting might not be as tough for you. If you’re not already in control, we’ve got a slew of books for you.

For starters, do like the Nutrition Twins tell you and slow down on the salt, ok?

For people like me, we have two basic choices: cut the size of your gut in half surgically, or cut the portions of your food in half.

I choose giving my body to science – while I’m still alive.

Just please pass the black and white cookies before they tell me that I have to give up chocolate.

That might be difficult.

Give me chocolate… or give me….you know the rest.

Chow for now!

p.s. Shall we turn to page 10 in the Cheater’s Diet?? This fly on the wall is bloated!

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